Making Room For Limitations

I think I finally figured it out, mama.

I think I figured it out. This existential dread and despair that pops up for me. That settles heavily on my chest. I scramble through the day to get the laundry done, get toys put away, get time with kids, finish that email, run to the grocery store, call that friend, clean the bathroom… the list goes on. And here’s the real kicker, mama.

It’s not possible. I can’t do it all.

I know. This is truly enlightening stuff.

But, really. I’m realizing that my attempt to avoid that fact is my real suffering. Isn’t that what is taught in many religious teachings? My refusal to grieve my limitations is where I really suffer and feel despair. And I know this category as a therapist – what we refuse to grieve shows up as depression, anxiety, etc. I just hadn’t really thought about this in regards to the minutia of my life where I struggle to feel I can’t get any forward traction. Where life feels like one repeating circle, with little forward movement at time. I convince myself that I can work, get enough time with the kids, do yoga, read that book, go on that walk, meet up with that friend, connect with my partner, write that post, garden, plan that vacation, look up good kid activities and that list goes ON. But, as surprising as it may seem: I can’t. I’m not superwoman.

I’ve connected somewhat to the grief of this in life at large – that I can’t know every person, do every interesting career, live in every city, have all the experiences, go visit all the places. I can accept that – mostly. But the day-to-day chaos of our home, the things left undone, the limited time I get with my kids? My fantasy of the fix of the newest planner is not going to do it this time. It’s not going to magically create 10 extra hours in my days.

So. What now? Hell if I know. I mean, ahem: here is my “5 Steps to Happiness and Accepting the Grief of your Limitations” PDF coming right up! :)

I guess I let it wash over me. I guess I lean into it. I guess I lean on the phrase that I used in early postpartum: “This is just what is happening right now.” I try to accept. Not in a defeated way, but in a lean-into-the-magic-and-wonder-of-this-moment kind of way and try-to-glean-with-gratitude-so-that-I-don’t-fall-into-deep-depression. That kind of way.

Limitations are heavy, but maybe also a gift and an invitation into this moment - this here and now with my family moment. I will work to accept that I won't get the house cleaned the way I want and accomplish my long list - but I CAN be present here with what is unfolding in my life, with this small body curled up in my lap, with the tug on my hand to “watch this mama!”.  This is a work in progress, mama. But I’m trying. I hope you will join me.

That’s my hope. And I’ll forget tomorrow. But at least for tonight, this is where I find myself. And I’ll return to this remembering again and again. And again.

Now: for yoga, Duolingo French lesson, selling 5 things on FB market, texting 6 friends, catching up on therapy note writing and looking up baseball games this summer – all in the next 15 min. ;)

Ahem. I mean. Namaste.